1,599 Days of Needles at Night

Sometimes days are significant, and for me today was one. I lay snuggled up to my little boy as he was falling asleep again just as I have what feels like a million times before. But as he lay their so peacefully I can’t help but recall those times that are starting to feel like a distant memory.

The days that he would fall asleep in my arms from exhaustion at the struggle that we would have before bed, the pain that I would feel for having to put him through what felt like the trauma of another needle.

Yet, reassuring myself that I was able to control the beast inside of him that was daring to flare up with this one simple action. It’s been forty days….forty days since I relinquished that control, and I don’t know what the future will look like but I do know that in his young mind those memories are all but fading away.

But that struggle will be forever etched in my mind. I will forever remember those 1599 days of holding you each night to try and comfort you, and the one day forty days ago I let go and trusted that maybe my job was no longer to be the one to fight for control of this thing inside you but to stand next to you through it all. Those days forced me to grow in ways I never thought possible, and here I am growing still.

So as I look at this little child who is simply that, a child, I cannot help but reflect on how much you have taught me about life. And in the moments when I find my breathe catching in my throat because you have pain in your chest it makes me think of how much more I need to know, of how much more I need you to teach me. So I will be forever thankful for every one day in this journey, especially those where you sleep so peacefully.

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